Thursday, February 3, 2011

Pretzel Loaf

My last time living in Chicago was a nightmare. I was totally broke all of the time.
At best, my work environment was awkward, at worst it was downright hostile. This psycho asshole once actually threatened to beat me to death just for talking to him at work. That's it, I did not say anything offensive. Now I know how to fight, but not a recently returned Iraq vet. I saw First Blood, I know where that road leads.

Then there was my batshit-crazy girlfriend. Discretion will hold my tongue on details, but I got the classic "I love you"/"I never said that I love you" two-step. That old chestnut...lots of fun.

So, wah-wah, life was hard for baby Andy. I did have some good friends there, and my mom was close by. One of the other scant pluses was the astoundingly good bread. Shop and Save in Golf Mill had this Italian bread that haunts my dreams. And Trader Joe's bakery? Out of sight. The baguettes were heroin-good. I would eat one at lunch and nod off in the car.

Of course, that river ran dry and those dicks subsequently went with La Brea Bakery. They are hands down the hackiest bakery on the market. Factory-made "artisanal"? Par-baked breads? Give me a fuckin break.

Anyway, there was a pretzel loaf at TJ that I couldn't get enough of. Rather than scour LA for a suitable replacement, I set about making my own. It's actually quite simple to make your own soft pretzels and pretzel demi baguettes.

Now, pretzels in Germany have been traditionally boiled in a food-grade lye bath to obtain that chewy brown crust. I'm personally unmotivated to play around with caustic bases to make a snack. That's me. I like my skin free of chemical burns. So this recipe calls for a much safer baking soda bath.

2 1/4 tsp yeast
1 cup water (110-120 degrees)
2 T soymilk
1 T dark brown sugar
3 T Earth Balance, melted
1 tsp kosher salt
2 1/2-3 cups bread flour

4 quarts water
1/2 cup baking soda

Kosher salt to taste

Add yeast, water, milk, and brown sugar in a bowl or mixing cup, stirring until all ingredients are combined. Let the mixture rest for 10 minutes for yeast to activate. Mix together kosher salt and the flour to the mixing bowl, then combine it with other ingredients. Add more flour as it's needed.

The dough should form a slightly tacky, but firm ball. Cover the mixing bowl with a damp towel for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, knead the dough by hand or machine for at least 5-10 minutes until the dough is elastic and satiny. Place dough back in the bowl and recover for 1 hour.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees and bring the 4 quarts of water to a boil. When the water is boiling, slowly add the baking soda.

Remove the dough from the bowl and gently degas it. Form balls of dough into the shape you want. I have made braided pretzels, but usually laziness dictates my course of action and I go demi. Drop one of the smaller balls into the baking soda bath for no longer than 30 seconds, turning it once to guarantee both sides covered. Drain the excess water from the dough and place it on a parchment-lined baking sheet. Repeat as needed.

Sprinkle the kosher salt over the bread to your specific tastes, and make sure to use a knife to cut a small incision on the top of the bread so the dough has somewhere to expand.

Cook the bread for 22 minutes, rotating the baking sheet once.

Enjoy!